“I’m Almost Scared”…and other things that go bump in the night.

So, I’ve been thinking about the statement I made in the previous post and I want to expound upon what I meant by that. “I’m almost scared”…. As I said, this statement has nothing to do with who he is, it’s all about me. I don’t think “scared” is the word I’m looking for though. I’m not “full of worry or fear”. I pondered on the word “Content” (isn’t the word “pondered” such a cool word? ..lol..) but that’s not the word either because to me, to be content implies I’m kinda “making do” with something. According to the Encarta Dictionary, the word I want is “Awe”, which means “a feeling of amazement and respect mixed with fear that is often coupled with a feeling of personal insignificance or powerlessness”. BINGO!!

Ok, now that I have the word, let me dissect the meaning for you …and for me. “A feeling of amazement and respect” …this feeling is directed to GOD! We all pray for things and if we’ve lived beyond childhood, we know that sometimes some things are not good for us, even when we think we want them so badly! And when that prayer is answered, it may or may not be in the form of what we originally had in mind at the time we begin the prayer. Confused yet? Ok, here’s an example: You want/need a car, so you pray for a BMW…you get a Honda, because in reality, you may not have been able to maintain that BMW and it would have been a bad choice for you in the long run. Get me? Ok... in this situation…I got the “BMW”…

Now, the next part, “mixed with fear”…ok, so I got the BMW but what are the consequences of that? When is the “snatch back” gonna happen? Was this done intentionally to incorporate one of the many life lessons I’m supposed to learn or is this BMW REALLY for me to have? Will it be snatched away with yet another lesson learned? This is where the “fear” part fits into the equation. See, scared only included the fear, whereas the word “awe” adds all of the rest of the mix.

Finally, “with a feeling of personal insignificance or powerlessness” … this one is easy. Regardless of what the reasons are, I am totally helpless in the outcome, whatever that outcome is. Which means I’m gonna have to sit my butt down somewhere and just let the flow…flow! What a bummer… *pun intended!

Well, this was supposed to be a quick explanation but … come on now, y’all knew better than that! Lol!!

~Toodles!

Wide Open ...or Nah??

My original intent was to sign on and journal my most recent happenings. But I find myself hesitating…not because I don’t want to write about it but because the subject of my attention my read this one day soon. Sooner than the required amount of time has passed..and no, I don’t know when that time is at this moment. And as open as I am, I’m not sure if it would be wise of me to put it ALL out there, risking spoiling a part of the discovery process for him. Therefore, instead of the “gushing and sickening mushing” of this situation, I’ll stick to the peripheral of things …lol.. Well, I may go there a little bit…get your barf bags ready, just in case! ..lol..

I know what you’re thinking…. “Here we go again”, right? Well, no…it’s not right. At least not 100% right. Yeah, here "we go" with me meeting someone new. But my reaction is totally different this time around. Why? Because this one, this one is ….different. I’m almost scared. Not because of anything that is him, this is all about me this time.

Wait a minute, let me clarify… Last dude had the outside things, well, attempted to portray himself as having all of the outside things, with "outside" meaning the basic person…the characteristics of a good person. THIS one though…it seems to travel along a deeper plane. “What the heck are you talking about JustTrena?” <-- that’s what you’re saying right? Ok, let me see how I can explain this…. India Arie has a song titled “The Truth” (I’ll attempt to post it below). There’s a verse in that song that defines what I’m feeling right now:

“I remember the very first day that I saw him
I found myself immediately intrigued by him
Its almost like I knew this man from another life
Like back then maybe I was his husband and maybe he was my wife
And even, the things I don't like about him are fine with me
Because its not hard for me to understand him because he's so much like me
And its truly my pleasure to share his company
And I know that it's God's gift to breathe the air he breathes”

Now, the risk in posting this? If, by chance, he happens to read this before it’s expressed outside of this forum, I don’t want him to feel any pressure from this. No, I’m not stalking, no I’m not (that) pressed, no, I’m not demanding anything extra of him. It’s just the way I feel right now. I'll explore and post more later...

Oh! Here's the video (or nah!):



~Toodles!

The "Fader"....

So, dear readers, I decided to move on… and now, after several weeks, the decision to move on was 100% on point. Not only was it on point but it allowed me to be open and ready to meet someone new. But you know I must tell you all about the update. First… The “Fader”…

Ok, he is labeled “the Fader” because that’s basically what he did. After his “confessions”, he started to fade. Probably the best decision in this whole thing because if he’d remained in my face, I wouldn’t have been able to navigate beyond the “human factor”. What does that mean?, you may ask... Well, basically, I’ve learned I have a propensity to try to use the human factor as an excuse for some bad behavior. So, after that last post, I decided to cut the connection. Yep, I cared for him but …did I really?

No, wait a minute, hear me out…lol. Yeah, the image he projected was awesome and that is what I fell for…in reality, that image never existed, at least not with him. So, once I wrapped my mind around that concept, the disconnection was a lot easier than I anticipated. Simply put, the person I’d fallen for didn’t exist…and who, but a crazy person, would continue to cling to a phantom? Surely not I!

So, the disconnect happened. And just like always, once a Fader feels YOU have faded or are fading, they attempt to reappear. Sure enough, he came back …strongly. So much so, I had to block his number because he obviously wasn’t hearing me say I’d moved on. And because the disconnect had happened, I felt nothing …except the sweet breeze of victory over a mess. *whoosahhhh! ..lol..

Lesson? Hmm, there’s a few… My lesson was every relationship is surely a lesson and even when you’re not trying to learn anything new, it’s ALWAYS for the best. His lesson? Don’t know if it’s soaked in yet but it should be 'you should only expect one chance to do the right thing.' No one is guaranteed a second, third, chance. Your lesson? Yeah, you get one too…. When given the opportunity to do the right thing, choose wisely, knowing the possible consequences and being sure you’re able to live with the worse possible scenario.

Well so ends another chapter of my dating life….BUT my story continues and I’m still reading my “book”.. and this upcoming chapter has me very excited!! *wink…

~Toodles!

Dear Diary….

Lately I’ve been feeling as if I’m floating through time, not really actively participating in “living”, just …floating through the days. Why? Yeah, I know exactly why…it’s because I finally feel as if I’ve found the “one” for me and it’s not all clouds and sunshine. In fact, I don’t even know if “it” really exists at this point.

Yeah, sooo, what had happened was…it all started off great. There was great, consistent conversation, fun dates, laughs, flirting, …you know, all that makes the beginning wonderful. And then tragedy hit. A deployment for his job, a death in his family, and the “confessions”…and now that all of THAT is out and cleared, when it should be smooth sailing because we have gotten through what most would consider the “hard part”, things have come to a screeching halt. Contact is sporadic, visits are few and far between, attitudes …or should I say MY attitude, is moving in a dangerous direction for this relationship.

You see, I know me. I know, once I begin to feel a disconnect with my significant other, the unravel is close by. Don’t get me wrong…. I want this man! With all of his imperfections….I want this man. I care about him and honestly feel as if he cares about me. He’s intelligent, responsible, smart, fun (and funny!), and kind; tall, good looking, nice body, and beautiful hands! So, what’s really going on?

*Drum roll…. I don’t know. He experienced a huge loss and I understand grief, as I lost both my parents within three months of each other. Yeah, I know grief. And I understand folks deal with loss differently…he needs space and time. I get that. And I want to be fair and allow him the time/space he needs. But my question becomes, why does he have time and space for neighbors and other friends / family? Why does it seem as if I’m the one who’ve been placed so low on the priority list?

I have a friend who once told me she’d told her man that “he was the only thing she had to lose”. At the time, I thought the statement was hard and heartless. Now I understand it all too well. I love this man. But I also love myself. To get so wrapped up into this without direction, understanding or commitment would be to risk the loss of myself, and all of the other responsibilities I’m accountable for. I can’t afford to lose me or the tasks of taking care of my children and soon-to-come grandbaby. So, when it comes down to it, the only option I have is to give up on “us”.… the only thing I have to lose is him.

I don’t understand the relationship right now. Are we together or not? He’d planned to spend the weekend with me; that didn’t happen. Not only did it not happen, I haven’t heard from him since Friday evening…and it’s Sunday afternoon now. Do I pull all the way back and let him have the chance to figure out if “us” is something he still wants to pursue? Am I supposed to passively “wait” for him to decide? I don’t know. Never been here before. So, I guess I will continue to “float” for a while. Float, float, float on…. *sigh.

~Toodles!

Did Y'all See That?? ...and other strange happenings.

Ok y’all…I’ve noticed something rather peculiar lately…

Do y’all believe menfolk act out in cycles? No, ….seriously. I’m asking because, for the last few weeks, I’ve noticed the males surrounding me personally, to some extent, whether negatively or positively, seem to come at me around the same time, each time! I’ve begun to “track” these bouts of chance to see if there really is a cycle. The first tracked incident took place on/around Mother’s Day (May 10th -11th); this carried on for about 48 hours and was more of a negative cycle, where I was either blamed, accused, affronted. The next one I experienced was this weekend, Memorial Day (May 25th – 26th) weekend, and it felt more of a positive cycle…maybe the correct term would be more amorous, I should say. And, it’s not just 1 or 2 of the same men, it’s various male figures each time!

Now, I know my smart readers may be saying, “JustTrena, maybe it’s YOU that’s cycling out different emotions to these individuals!” I honestly thought about that and….naw, it’s not me. My reasoning being, the men involved in this madness aren’t all in my usual circle of existence. The degree of familiarity ranges from ex-spouse to a one time meet! Heck…or a never met! When I think about it, there was another incident before Mother’s Day when this phenomenon happened!! …I can’t recall the dates so I can’t track that one but I will be on the lookout for when this happens again! Just wish those suckers would go into a “generosity” phase… a sista got bills!!

~Toodles!

Facebook is the .... hmmm...

Hey ya’ll. Yeah, ...another year has passed and here I am again! Lol… I make myself laugh sometimes but hey…I’m here now, right?

Before I start with my “what had happened was” story…I’ve got to fill you in on the last year, aka the "back story". As I was “sitting in the passenger seat” of finding my “Mr Right”, along came this man…just what I wanted in a mate… attentive, consistent, fun, totally open about his past, …well, at least it seemed that way at the time. But ya’ll know, if you have read my past posts, you know I don’t get into “spilling dirt” about my exes, but suffice it to say, he turned out to NOT be my Mr Right. I had to end it after eight months… and yes, it truly hurt when I finally figured this out.

Now back to my story… Ok, I was going to title this post “Facebook is the Devil” but honestly, I think I’m being unfair. In reality, Facebook has been a blessing in that I’m now able to communicate with family and friends I wouldn’t otherwise get the opportunity to do so with. It’s just another social medium and we all should understand that it’s the individual that determines how Facebook is used.

Ok, so, what had happened was, Facebook was just the final proof that “he” wasn’t mine for the keeping. All I’ll say is this, when someone tells you who they are, believe them. Don’t think you’re so special you can change a leopard’s spots or a zebra’s stripes. That person can be the coolest, nicest person in the world, if he’s not ready, he’s just not ready. Even if he says he is. Go ahead, ask the obvious question… “But JustTrena, how are you to know?” Well, you don’t know. Just be aware and keep your heart open enough to know and believe all relationships are just auditions for your last TRUE RELATIONSHIP. Ok? Even when it hurts to end, you just have to press on …and move on when it’s time. I’ve moved on. Yeah, every once in a while I catch myself looking in the rear view mirror but the view is getting more and more distant. I’ll remember the trip though.

~Toodles!