“I’m Almost Scared”…and other things that go bump in the night.

So, I’ve been thinking about the statement I made in the previous post and I want to expound upon what I meant by that. “I’m almost scared”…. As I said, this statement has nothing to do with who he is, it’s all about me. I don’t think “scared” is the word I’m looking for though. I’m not “full of worry or fear”. I pondered on the word “Content” (isn’t the word “pondered” such a cool word? ..lol..) but that’s not the word either because to me, to be content implies I’m kinda “making do” with something. According to the Encarta Dictionary, the word I want is “Awe”, which means “a feeling of amazement and respect mixed with fear that is often coupled with a feeling of personal insignificance or powerlessness”. BINGO!!

Ok, now that I have the word, let me dissect the meaning for you …and for me. “A feeling of amazement and respect” …this feeling is directed to GOD! We all pray for things and if we’ve lived beyond childhood, we know that sometimes some things are not good for us, even when we think we want them so badly! And when that prayer is answered, it may or may not be in the form of what we originally had in mind at the time we begin the prayer. Confused yet? Ok, here’s an example: You want/need a car, so you pray for a BMW…you get a Honda, because in reality, you may not have been able to maintain that BMW and it would have been a bad choice for you in the long run. Get me? Ok... in this situation…I got the “BMW”…

Now, the next part, “mixed with fear”…ok, so I got the BMW but what are the consequences of that? When is the “snatch back” gonna happen? Was this done intentionally to incorporate one of the many life lessons I’m supposed to learn or is this BMW REALLY for me to have? Will it be snatched away with yet another lesson learned? This is where the “fear” part fits into the equation. See, scared only included the fear, whereas the word “awe” adds all of the rest of the mix.

Finally, “with a feeling of personal insignificance or powerlessness” … this one is easy. Regardless of what the reasons are, I am totally helpless in the outcome, whatever that outcome is. Which means I’m gonna have to sit my butt down somewhere and just let the flow…flow! What a bummer… *pun intended!

Well, this was supposed to be a quick explanation but … come on now, y’all knew better than that! Lol!!

~Toodles!

Wide Open ...or Nah??

My original intent was to sign on and journal my most recent happenings. But I find myself hesitating…not because I don’t want to write about it but because the subject of my attention my read this one day soon. Sooner than the required amount of time has passed..and no, I don’t know when that time is at this moment. And as open as I am, I’m not sure if it would be wise of me to put it ALL out there, risking spoiling a part of the discovery process for him. Therefore, instead of the “gushing and sickening mushing” of this situation, I’ll stick to the peripheral of things …lol.. Well, I may go there a little bit…get your barf bags ready, just in case! ..lol..

I know what you’re thinking…. “Here we go again”, right? Well, no…it’s not right. At least not 100% right. Yeah, here "we go" with me meeting someone new. But my reaction is totally different this time around. Why? Because this one, this one is ….different. I’m almost scared. Not because of anything that is him, this is all about me this time.

Wait a minute, let me clarify… Last dude had the outside things, well, attempted to portray himself as having all of the outside things, with "outside" meaning the basic person…the characteristics of a good person. THIS one though…it seems to travel along a deeper plane. “What the heck are you talking about JustTrena?” <-- that’s what you’re saying right? Ok, let me see how I can explain this…. India Arie has a song titled “The Truth” (I’ll attempt to post it below). There’s a verse in that song that defines what I’m feeling right now:

“I remember the very first day that I saw him
I found myself immediately intrigued by him
Its almost like I knew this man from another life
Like back then maybe I was his husband and maybe he was my wife
And even, the things I don't like about him are fine with me
Because its not hard for me to understand him because he's so much like me
And its truly my pleasure to share his company
And I know that it's God's gift to breathe the air he breathes”

Now, the risk in posting this? If, by chance, he happens to read this before it’s expressed outside of this forum, I don’t want him to feel any pressure from this. No, I’m not stalking, no I’m not (that) pressed, no, I’m not demanding anything extra of him. It’s just the way I feel right now. I'll explore and post more later...

Oh! Here's the video (or nah!):



~Toodles!