Dear Diary….

Lately I’ve been feeling as if I’m floating through time, not really actively participating in “living”, just …floating through the days. Why? Yeah, I know exactly why…it’s because I finally feel as if I’ve found the “one” for me and it’s not all clouds and sunshine. In fact, I don’t even know if “it” really exists at this point.

Yeah, sooo, what had happened was…it all started off great. There was great, consistent conversation, fun dates, laughs, flirting, …you know, all that makes the beginning wonderful. And then tragedy hit. A deployment for his job, a death in his family, and the “confessions”…and now that all of THAT is out and cleared, when it should be smooth sailing because we have gotten through what most would consider the “hard part”, things have come to a screeching halt. Contact is sporadic, visits are few and far between, attitudes …or should I say MY attitude, is moving in a dangerous direction for this relationship.

You see, I know me. I know, once I begin to feel a disconnect with my significant other, the unravel is close by. Don’t get me wrong…. I want this man! With all of his imperfections….I want this man. I care about him and honestly feel as if he cares about me. He’s intelligent, responsible, smart, fun (and funny!), and kind; tall, good looking, nice body, and beautiful hands! So, what’s really going on?

*Drum roll…. I don’t know. He experienced a huge loss and I understand grief, as I lost both my parents within three months of each other. Yeah, I know grief. And I understand folks deal with loss differently…he needs space and time. I get that. And I want to be fair and allow him the time/space he needs. But my question becomes, why does he have time and space for neighbors and other friends / family? Why does it seem as if I’m the one who’ve been placed so low on the priority list?

I have a friend who once told me she’d told her man that “he was the only thing she had to lose”. At the time, I thought the statement was hard and heartless. Now I understand it all too well. I love this man. But I also love myself. To get so wrapped up into this without direction, understanding or commitment would be to risk the loss of myself, and all of the other responsibilities I’m accountable for. I can’t afford to lose me or the tasks of taking care of my children and soon-to-come grandbaby. So, when it comes down to it, the only option I have is to give up on “us”.… the only thing I have to lose is him.

I don’t understand the relationship right now. Are we together or not? He’d planned to spend the weekend with me; that didn’t happen. Not only did it not happen, I haven’t heard from him since Friday evening…and it’s Sunday afternoon now. Do I pull all the way back and let him have the chance to figure out if “us” is something he still wants to pursue? Am I supposed to passively “wait” for him to decide? I don’t know. Never been here before. So, I guess I will continue to “float” for a while. Float, float, float on…. *sigh.

~Toodles!