My Adventures ….chapter 2 ….Online Dating!!

Ok, after being coaxed and coached by my co-worker/friend, I finally set up an online dating account and profile. Yeah, yeah, I did it. After filling out the “all about you” portions, I begin my initial search through the different profiles…well, I wouldn’t necessarily call it a search, but more of an adventure on spying on peoples personal lives. I had not posted a picture yet because I was feeling some kind of way about certain people finding out I’d done it!! Why, you may ask…I dunno. I guess I had to make sure I wouldn’t feel as if I’m betraying anyone with my moving on. During the last week, from day of sign-on to last night, I’d gotten about 10/15 hits total, either requesting a picture, a faceless dude declaring my profile as a “Favorite”, or it was a very much older looking male on there talking about “Am I the one?”. So needless to say, it was going rather slow. According to my friend, putting a picture on the site would increase my “hits” tremendously so I thought about doing just that. After thinking a little bit, I then needed a little extra boost of courage. That “push” came from my niece, who finally said what I needed to hear to make the jump of picture uploading. She said, “You have honestly ended all relationships in your past and you are single; you are able to do whatever you want to find date(s) and NO one should have a thing to say about it. And if they DO have something to say, tell’em “f-em”!” And you know what? She’s right. I’m not leading anyone on and if anyone feels I’m in a space with them that I have not accepted, then it’s their issue, not mine. So back to the online dating adventure…

Last night I decided to put up a couple/three pictures and see what would happen, “hit” wise. In less than an hour, I’d had over 30 views, 3 – 5 favorites, 6 messages, and something called a “match”. I posted the picture last night just before bed, so most of this happened during the time I was uploading the other pictures and chatting online with another girlfriend about which pictures to use. I was still a little nervous because I think my features are unique and I feel like folks on the streets will recognize me as “the girl on the dating site”. But, taking my co-worker/friend’s advice, who said, “No one you know will probably ever see it.” I pushed along.

Fast forward to this morning, and it’s 8:30a and I’m down in the cafeteria at work; GUESS what happens? Um hmmm, ….an older man I’d met previously in passing, comes up to me to ask if my pseudo-name on a site is “…..”!! Of course I’m mortified but I admit it and then proceed to play it off so cool, you would have been proud! Now my question is this….this woman has been on this site before and NO ONE has busted her cover….WHY, when my picture is on there for less than 8 hours, and 6 of those hours are overnight, someone sees me??! I mean, it’s not like I’m doing anything illegal but it is rather, uh, how can I say it.…uncomfortable knowing folks know what you do in your off-duty, personal time! Especially someone who has shown a slight interest in you, who you have NO interest in whatsoever, but yet, no longer have a legitimate excuse when he now knows I’m “looking”? Sheez…man sometimes a girl just can’t catch a break!!

Until next time… Toodles!

But you mad, do’? … Interpreting “Chump-Speak”

A couple weeks ago, I had a somewhat attractive man walk over to me. He introduced himself and a little later, asked if we could exchange numbers. I’m a single lady, so I agreed with the exchange…he seemed like a charming enough dude. Fast forward a conversation or two later, and there are the edges of red flags popping out of closed closet doors. The first sighting of a red flag was when he said, “Well, I know I’m not where I need to be but I’m not going to complain about the past…” Huh, what?! What that mean?! Ok ladies…this will be the first interpreted phrase of "chump-speak" of the day: This statement usually means he has “Tommy-itis”…aka “he ain’t got no job!”.

The next flag appeared when he made the statement, “My cousin is suppose to help fix my car later this week…, yeah, uh, it needs a new motor.” Are you serious, dude? What?? Now ladies, I’m not sure about the fixings and makings of cars, but a motor is what makes a car…well, …a car, right?!! Yep, you got it, this is “chump-speak” for, “I don’t have a car.”

Phrase and red flag number three was when he said, “I’m fixing to be looking for me a place in the next couple of months”…. O_O Yeppers, you DAMN skippy, his living arrangements are questionable…aka, he’s living with his mom, step mom, auntie, etc….!! I'm not no where interested in what you "fixin" to do! What the heck-a-roni is going on here!!

Breathe, breathe… Ok, you may think I’m being a little hard on a brother, especially in these times of economic hardship and thangs…and I would agree,… IF this dude was pre-28 years old! This man was over 40!! Now, don’t get me wrong…I’ve met WONDERFUL men who are just in a bad position right now due to circumstances out of their control and that’s totally understandable, especially if you see him actively and persistently pursuing opportunities to do better for himself… No, I’m not talking about THAT dude…I’m talking about a dude who gave no indication whatsoever he has EVER lived self-sufficiently, NEVER had a job my teen-aged daughters wouldn’t compete for, NEVER responsibly driven a car without the law being after’em for irresponsible behavior behind the wheel! <_< …ok, well, THAT part I “googled”…lol Either way, he’s clearly not ready to add a woman to his mix. So I must now ask, WHY would you approach a woman in the first place? I’ve worked hard and by the Grace of God have gotten to a place where I’m happy and self-sufficient, able to take care of myself, my kids, bills, a cat and a dog…why would I want to raise a grown ass man??! When I’m out with my girlfriends on the weekend, don’t call me asking what I’m doing!! I’m out relaxing after WORKING the whole week, what are YOU doing, ‘gro? What, …you want to hang out? HOW YOU GON’ DO THAT, BRO? You ain’t got a car and I’m sure not a freakin’ taxi!! And once we got to where we were going, then what? Watch the people around us eat, drink and be merry?!! Ugh! Now you mad because I’m out doing things…and don’t have time for your foolishness! “You can just call me when you have TIME for a brother!” O_O…yeah, that’s what he said!! Needless to say, that’s going to be a call that won’t be coming ANY time soon!

MEN, you must be in a place where a female would feel secure about being if things went wrong for her, before approaching her for a relationship. If you can’t show that you’re SELF-sufficient, how are you going to take care of a woman? If you don’t have a place to live, transportation, OR a job, YOU’RE NOT IN A POSITION TO DATE YET!!! If you see a woman you’re interested in, introduce yourself with honest intent…letting her know you’re interested but is not in the position you want to be to start dating, but you’d like to have her as a friend. You may get further that way and maybe one day, when you do get your stuff together, she’ll look at you as an honest individual and friend with the possibility of going further, instead of just a dude feeding her a bunch of “Chump-Speak”!!

Until next time ya'll....Toodles!

Nothing Just Happens...

Good morning ya’ll!

This video was shared with me a while ago and today, I found it embedded in an article I was reading. So, I’m posting this video because someone out there in blog-land, needs to hear this! I especially loved the line of “Nothing just happens!” …it follows my belief of all things happen for a reason! Enjoy!

Man...just stop it!

Fellows (and girls) DO NOT ring the phone of someone new you may be interested in, outside the hours of 9am and 9pm. Now, that time span can be stretched on either side in mutually agreed upon situations but otherwise you will appear desperate and stalker-ish! It will NOT be looked upon as "ah, he's thoughtful and is thinking about me all of the time!" unless the individual you're interested in is desperate and stalker-ish also! Don't do it! Stop it!!

Enjoying the Space You're In...

Sometimes not so good things happen and at the time, you don't understand why. I'm discovering it's during these times you have the most opportunity to grow and learn. And right now, in this moment, I am very cognizant of the space and place I'm at in my life...and I've decided I'm going to enjoy it! Yep, it's that simple...instead of trying to quickly rush on to the "next phase", I think I'm going to sit back a little and coast through the phase I'm currently in.

Upon making this decision, as it would be, I'm also finding there are people who will want to pull and snatch you out of your learning and attempt to place you in the space THEY want you to be! If you've been reading my past posts, you'll know I'm somewhat newly single. At first, and sometimes even now, the feeling is ...surreal. After over 23 years, I find myself a single woman again, in a time where many things have changed since I was that 21 year old woman, just embarking on the world as an adult. I've discovered and am continuing to discover so much more about myself! Some good, some not so good...but it's all good, in the grand scheme of things!

But right now, after a lot of thinking and a little bit of reassessing, I'm finding I'm in the perfect position of great opportunity. A position of being a mature adult, with a (somewhat, lol) sound mind, who's very capable of making decisions that will put me where I need to be, aligned with the universe and the world I live in. And I will NOT be rushed through this process!

During this journey, you will find there are people who've also decided where THEY want and need to be, who are determined to pull you into that space... I WILL NOT BE MOVED! I am going to sit back, while being actively involved in living, and go at my OWN pace! I may not have the whole picture of what I want and need, but I'm faithful my God does! And until my God puts me in the place he intends for me to be, with a full realization that this is where I belong, I WILL NOT BE MOVED!

So, with that said, I'll like to offer a few words to think on:

1. Just because a person tries to place a title/label on you, doesn't mean that's who you are, unless YOU decide to accept that title/label.

2. Never put someone else' wants/desires/feelings ahead of yours, for things that affects you, when they're clearly not making your feelings a priority.

3. Sometimes it's ok to sit back and stay out of a fight that you were never meant to be a part of anyway.

I truly hope this makes some kind of sense to you, dear readers...sometimes, in my attempt to capture what I'm feeling at the moment, I assume you've all been with me during the whole ride. Until next time.... ~Toodles!!

My Strength Does Not Make You Weak!

I was watching a video by a Youtuber (posted below) who was speaking on the statement “Women Today ain’t like the Women of Yesterday”. The male speaker asked the following questions, “How can someone make that statement when the women of yesterday weren’t allowed/didn’t have a voice? How would the people of today even know how the women of yesterday felt or thought, when they didn’t even KNOW them? Never listened to them?” Surprisingly, or not so surprisingly, his questions brought on an onslaught of negativity from “today’s” fellows who were basically saying the speaker was “whipped”. It was almost unbelievable some men felt he was being less just because he was standing up for women and their rights as true partners within a relationship. *Note I said it was “almost unbelievable”!

A man who feels he has to rule with an iron fist, in my opinion, at the most, has issues with his own manhood and at the least, is a dictator. A man who cannot accept a woman’s contribution to the relationship is foolish in that he would rather settle for a foundation that is only half as strong as it could be, just to satisfy his ego.

All of this to say, Fellows…when your woman has a skill, talent or opinion, accept and listen! Take what she has to say into consideration and don’t automatically dismiss it just because you feel YOU have to be the final say. Taking what she has to offer and contribute, in fact, makes you a much wiser counsel, in that you would look into ALL suggestions and options, and then choose what’s best for you all! No, her strengths do NOT make you weaker… but it can make you both stronger. ~Toodles!

My Adventures...chapter 1 ...Speed Dating!

Whew! Well I said it….you will be one of the first to hear about my many upcoming social “adventures” so here goes… Ok, so, earlier this week, a co-worker/friend and I went to a speed-dating event and I have to admit, I had sooooo much fun! Mind you, this was the absolute first time I’ve ever participated in anything like this.

The venue was in a really nice hotel bar/lounge in DC where cars are valet and validated, and the attendants are very friendly and patient. So after passing along our keys to the attendants, we entered the hotel lobby, ready to take on this new adventure!

We planned to get there a little bit early just to give us time to chill out and do a pre-scan of who may be participating in the event. It also gave me the opportunity to hit the hostess of the venue up with a few questions, trying to gauge what type of turnout to expect and she was glad to partake, full of information on past guests. Mind you, this was a first for both me and my co-worker/friend so we were trying to prepare ourselves accordingly.

We then went to the bar and ordered a supposedly “nerve-calming” glass of wine and a light appetizer to settle our anxious stomachs. After a few minutes, we noticed some of the females moving towards the meeting room, so we followed suit. I have to admit, I started to get slightly disappointed in that all I saw were about three men, and they were of the 5’ 5” and shorter variety. But I decided to keep a positive attitude and just chalk it up to an adventure and press on if a better turnout just wasn't in the cards that night.

Once the hostesses of the speed-dating group asked the approximately 20 /22 women to sit at individual tables, she then asked the men to come in and like ninjas in the night, about 20 men seemed to appear out of nowhere! I later found out men like to stay out of sight so as to avoid the prejudging they feel women have a tendency to do…and they may have been very correct in that assessment.

Well, after about an hour or so later, the event was over. I haven’t laughed so much in a long time and it was quite refreshing to know there are normal, decent men-folk out there. Was there a “connection” made? ...maybe not but I do know I would love to do this again, if for nothing but the laughs and chance to talk and meet with new people.

If you are single and want to try a new and different way of meeting new folks, speed-dating may just be for you! Find a reputable event planner who hosts successful events and just go for it! Who knows, you may find your Mr Right…and with the right attitude, the worse that can happen is you meet a few new people!

Well, until the next adventure...and there will be a next one, toodles!

Unchartered Territory

Lately, I’ve been trying to fully participate in this space I find myself in. This space called “single”….NOT to be confused with loneliness, …no, just being solo, relationship-wise, post legal adulthood. I left the comforting arms of my parents once I turned 18 to join the military; was married from the ripe old age of 21 until exactly twenty-nine days after my 45th birthday. There’s only been one serious relationship since, which ended a few weeks ago, and now I find myself….single. Even during the divorce/ separation process, I had lawyers and other distractions to give me that false sense of security. This is my very first time being out here truly on my own, without parents, the military, a spouse or boyfriend to provide that safety net and to be honest, it’s ENLIGHTENING. I’m learning so much about myself at this time as I’m forced to only deal with me in the decisions I make and the directions I take.

This space… is a somewhat calming place. There are no expectations, therefore there are no disappointments deriving from an outside source, other than myself; if I want to go somewhere or do something, I don’t feel obligated to get anyone else’s participation or consensus; and surprisingly, my phone has “detached” itself from its permanent spot on my hip!

I remember all of the things that intrigued me during the time I was married…all of the spontaneous and “new” concepts that are now out there that weren’t there prior to my “marital bliss”. Things such as travel and social meetup.com groups, impromptu daytrips, online dating, speed dating, heck, dating period! In fact, that’s something else I’m discovering….I haven’t truly “dated” in over 24 years! I’m not saying I haven’t been on a date, but to actually “date”? It’s been a while. My last relationship kinda skipped that part; we went from “hello” to “you’re my man/woman” and I do believe this fact played a major part in its demise, but I digress...

These new and spontaneous concepts…. I want to experience them ALL! And what better time than now, to do that! So, which do I start with? Actually, I’ve already started perusing the meetup.com groups to find like-minded folks to do all of these newly found things with! I’ve even joined a couple of them! The rest of the items are on my “to do” list and I plan on getting involved with those sooner rather than later. And guess who will be one of the first to know about each of these experiences? Why YOU, my dearest reader…that’s who!! ;-)

"A Season"

Standing back, watching the sun slowly set in the horizon;

Remembering waking up to its bright and lovely rays after so much rain

Basking in the afternoon sunshine,

Walking amongst the evening beams,

You were a beautiful day while it lasted.


© Trena Jones, August 2012

Letting Go...

A few days ago I made a decision to end a relationship that was very important to me. It wasn’t sudden but it didn’t require months upon months to attempt to figure out. In the last couple months of that relationship, I felt alone; even though there were daily conversations, there was only minimal connection.

I’ve been known to advise folks,… no, I’ve dictated and stressed the point, of not making excuses for other folks bad behavior. If you read further back in my postings you will see my occasional rant about making your partner a priority when you’re only an option to them…where I would say, “if he REALLY wanted to be with you, nothing on God’s green earth would stop him from doing that!” And yet, here I was…questioning myself on whether or not I made the right decision in attempting to end this before my feelings and attitude turned into something negative. When lately, it seemed, ANYTHING could quickly place me on the back burner of his attention…making plans and not following through; numerous conversations about what was needed in the relationship with promises to “work on it” but no actions behind the declarations; outside forces that may have influenced decisions made, whether intentional or not on their parts.

*sidenote here: Folks, friends are good to have but if your partner is hearing about what “they” are saying about them, yet have never had the pleasure to meet them, a problem may arise. Not just one of the everyday problems that’s bound to happen in any relationship, but one of those “I-can’t-speak-honestly-about-this-to-you-because-I-know-how-much-this-friend(ship)-means-to-you” types of problems…or an “I-don’t-want-to-negatively-affect-your-friendship-by-expressing-what-I-feel-because-I-know-they-are-important-to-you” types of problems…second only to children and religion.

To be fair, he had a plan…to work hard and get in a better position life-wise. I totally got that. However, when time is found for any other extra thing, why couldn’t time be found to spend with me? When I expressed a concern, instead of addressing it, I’m charged with being negative and/or thinking negatively? When my requests and time are no longer important or respected? I just wasn’t a priority anymore. So I had to let go.